Captain Edgar-veda is at the podium in the roll call room, announcing that it's warrant sweep day. Everyone present groans. Each officer has been assigned a list of suspects; word spreads fast on the street, so he estimates they have 3-4 hours to round everyone up. Vic watches the proceedings from upstairs, shooting people with a squirt gun that looks very much like a police-issue 9 mm. Suspects are assigned randomly, meaning a lot of extra driving for the uniforms. Danny looks through her stack and asks if anyone's willing to trade her an Echo Park for Koreatown.
Vic comes downstairs and sees Danny has been assigned a suspect named Virgil. During their last encounter, he swung at Vic in front of a bunch of kids. Vic'll take this warrant off her hands. Shane lets Vic know he has a visitor waiting in the lobby. Lem takes the squirt gun from Vic and fires it, shouting, "Police! Freeze, suckers!"
Connie is sitting on what looks like a pew and crying. What is it with these cop shows and deconsecrated churches? Vic takes her to the Strike Team's clubhouse. Connie sobs that one of her johns had a knife. Vic wants to see the damage. He pushes back her hair and helps her take off her faux-leather jacket. There's a cut from one side of Connie's neck to the middle of her back; her wrist is bruised. In addition, the john hit Connie and tried to rape her.
Connie wrote part of the john's license plate on her hand. With what, I wonder? Vic brings Connie to Dutch, then asks him to take her to the hospital.
Vic and the Strike Team kick in the door of an apartment where a Virgil and a friend are smoking weed, drinking, and listening to loud rap. A third guy wanders out of the bathroom, asking who turned off the music. Lem instantly recognizes him as Derrick Tripp, a pro basketball player for the New Jersey Nets. The Lakers are playing a home game against New Jersey that night.
"You miss the exit for the Staples Center, Derrick?" Vic asks before reminding him that marijuana is illegal. When Vic pats Derrick down, he finds a gun in the back of his waistband. Derrick claims he has a permit, but darn it all, he left it back in New Jersey.
Vic tells the guys to take the rest of their suspects back to the precinct. Shane knows it's gonna be a circus when they bring Derrick in. Vic notices a sign across the street advertising furnished apartments for rent. Derrick is always tough when he plays against the Lakers. "How'd you like to change the course of sports history?" asks Vic.
The landlord wants to know why the Strike Team needs an apartment. Vic explains they're conducting surveillance on the building across the street; they'll be out by tonight. "You gonna break anything? It's a bitch to collect from the city, you know," says the landlord. Vic promises they'll be extra careful. The landlord tells Vic to put the keys in the mailbox when he leaves.
Shane brings in Derrick, who wants to know what the hell is going on. Vic says they're doing him a favor by keeping him out of the limelight. He wants to know if Derrick really did a sneaker commercial in one take. Presumably it involved a slam dunk because Shane thinks "that was some CGI mojo."
Derrick is worried about losing sponsors because his contract has a morals clause. Vic will see what he can do about making this go away. He pulls out his phone, pretending he's calling the captain. However, he's really calling his wife.
Vic tells her he just arrested Derrick Tripp on weapons charges. Vic's wife reminds him that they have a parent-teacher conference with their son's teacher that night. Should she bring a change of clothes to work for him? Vic says that would help and Lem has the address. Vic hangs up and turns to Derrick. The captain is a big fan and will be coming down personally to make the charges disappear.
Shane smiles and whispers to Vic that he's nuts. Vic is sure that without Derrick's outside shot, the Lakers can't lose. "I better call my bookie," says Shane.
Vic talks about Derrick getting mouthy with a ref the season before. "That call was weak," complains Derrick. It looked like a foul to Shane. Lem and Ronnie return with pizzas and 4 basketballs. Lem hands Derrick a Sharpie for an autograph. Vic repeats that the captain will be here any minute now.
Derrick doesn't usually sign for free; in fact, he charges $150. Vic thinks that's understandable: "A lot of people send their kids up to score. 'Oh, Derrick, please sign this for me.' Then Daddy turns around and scalps it on the Internet." Vic asks Derrick to make out an autograph for his son Matt. Off the athlete's look, he promises, "It's on the up-and-up."
Shane thinks it's weak that a guy who makes $15 million a year charges for autographs. Derrick says it's nowhere close to that after taxes, his agent, publicists, managers, etc. Shane guesses that probably still leaves him with $6 million. Must be so hard to live on that. Lem and Ronnie don't notice the tension; they're too busy eating the pizza.
Shane got Lem and Ronnie in on the action with his bookie. Vic is gonna pass; it's not about the money, it's about Lakers home court advantage for the playoffs. Shane is surprised Derrick can even sign his own name. "What do you care?" asks Vic. Shane wants to know what they're supposed to do about the rest of their warrants. Vic answers he took care of it.
Back at the precinct, a sweaty, puke-covered junkie pushes his way to the front of a long line. He tells the desk sergeant that Vic told him to turn himself in. Nathan the desk sergeant wrinkles his nose: "Line forms over there." Sergeant Nathan gripes to Edgar-veda that he's one guy doing a two-person job. Edgar-veda butters him up; he wouldn't have scheduled warrant sweeps today without his Most Valuable Policeman on duty. An attractive black woman in a business suit arrives, introducing herself as Marsha, Derrick's attorney.
Meanwhile, Claudette hasn't been able to find any other reports of prostitutes being raped at knife point. The partial plate Connie gave them had 600 possible matches. Dutch reports that hooker murders are up on the East Side and the last few had similarities. He's been studying murders in the whole city because "you never know when a disturbing pattern's going to emerge." Claudette thinks she's witnessing a disturbing pattern right now.
Dutch lays several crime scene photos on his partner's desk, all of prostitute murders: one beaten with a pipe, one strangled by hand, and one choked with a rope. Different locations and weapons each time, but each woman was found facedown. "You're stretching, son. Try yoga," says Claudette.
Dutch speculates that Connie was meant to be the killer's fourth victim, but she got away. He's taking the information to Edgar-veda and asking for a task force. Claudette warns that he'll just say no. And Claudette is right. Dutch has another strategy: find Connie's attacker and tie him to the other murders.
Danny and Julien bring in a Latino suspect with curly hair. The guy knows he's seen Julien before, hanging around the Abbey in West Hollywood: "How come you never come in? It's fun." Julien tells the guy he's mistaken.
Connie paces in front of a computer, where Claudette is clicking through mug shots. She whines, "Why can't Vic take care of this?" I'm sure Claudette wishes he would. Connie suddenly recognizes one of the men. Claudette clicks on the picture; their suspect is William Greeley. He's only been arrested once for trespassing on federal property during an environmental protest, a charge that was later dropped.
When Claudette leaves to call for a warrant, Dutch asks about Connie's relationship with Vic. She says they "have a bond that transcends sex." Okie-dokie, whatever that means.
Dutch, Claudette, and a bunch of uniforms raid Greeley's house. They find their illustrious environmentalist au naturale on his couch. Claudette advises him to put some clothes on. In the kitchen, the old-fashioned refrigerator is held shut with a padlock. Dutch calls for bolt cutters, wondering how many heads he'll find in there.
When Dutch cuts the lock, he doesn't find body parts, just a lot of unlabeled glass jars filled with...something. Dutch doesn't think it looks like mayonnaise. He uncaps a jar and lifts it toward his nose.
From the other room, Greeley shouts, "You keep away from my children!" Alarmed, Dutch drops the jar and it shatters on the floor. Danny and Claudette immediately nope their way out of the kitchen.
Vic goes back to the precinct to meet his wife. Edgar-veda and Marsha want a word with him because Derrick was last seen in Vic's custody. Vic explains that Derrick happened to be hanging out with some people who had active warrants. The drugs on scene weren't Derrick's, so he was free to go. Marsha hasn't heard from Derrick all day and neither has anyone else in his inner circle. Vic plays dumb.
Connie is back from the hospital, jonesing and edgy; Claudette and Dutch won't let her leave. Vic tells her to just chill out.
In interrogation, Greeley insists he'd never hurt anybody. He quit his job as actuary 6 months ago, but has hobbies to occupy his time. Dutch deadpans, "I know. Nice sperm collection." Greeley beams and says, "Thank you."
Back at the apartment, Lem is lying on the couch after gorging himself on pizza, the bottom half of his shirt unbuttoned. He's talking cars with the basketball player. Derrick asks again where the captain is. Shane winks, "He should be here within the hour." Derrick doesn't know why he has to stay since the charges are getting dropped anyway; he'll leave the captain some tickets at will-call.
You see, Derrick has an important meeting with "one of my little L.A. honeys I bang when I'm in town." Shane thinks she might prefer conjugal visits. "Hey, bring her on down here, man. There's a bedroom," Lem suggests cheerfully. Shane gives him a shut-up-you're-not-helping look.
Derrick guesses the place'll do since the girl didn't have a problem with sex in the men's room at Spago's. "Oh, you're a real classy guy," says Shane. For once, I agree with him! Lem helpfully tosses Derrick his cell phone to make his booty call. To protect and serve...
At the precinct, Claudette asks where Greeley was the night before. Greeley has no alibi; he lives alone and can't recall whether or not he went out. Dutch asks where Greeley was on December 15th and February 5th, but Greeley can't remember that either. Dutch asks if he knows Kitty Weir or Rosita Pedroza. Greeley doesn't and insists he'd never kill anyone because he's pro-life. So are the people who firebomb abortion clinics during business hours.
Outside, Claudette tells Dutch to rein it in. Dutch opines Greeley is a freak "straight out of an FBI textbook." Claudette doesn't necessarily disagree, but they had planned to use Connie's assault as a building block for the murder cases. Dutch knows Greeley wants to talk. Vic, watching from a doorway, reminds Dutch, "I asked you to find Connie's john, not Jack the Ripper." He wants to jog Greeley's memory, but Claudette says no way. Trick me once, shame on you.
Downstairs, Vic tells Connie that her john's been arrested. She wants to watch the ass-kicking, but she'll have to settle for jail time. Vic offers to let her lie down on the Strike Team's couch. "I can't lie down!" Connie says loudly, attracting the attention of everyone in the squadroom. Edgar-veda looms behind them. Vic manages to herd Connie into the Strike Team's lounge just as his wife arrives, duffle bag and their young son in tow. He quietly promises to take care of Connie's "need."
Vic's greeting of "Hey, hon" is rather strained. His son, Matthew, jumps into his arms. His wife has seen Connie, so Vic says Connie is just part of a case he's working on. Vic's wife hands over the bag. She has to leave now to take Matt on a playdate. Vic thanks her for the "fresh cape," presumably because Matt thinks he's a superhero---awww.
|And the kid isn't far off.|
The girl goes into the bedroom first. Lem wastes no time in exclaiming about how hot she is. Derrick scoffs: "Adriana's a...par." He has a groupie in Seattle who's a birdie. Shane opines both Adriana and Miss Seattle have probably slept with half the league. Derrick hopes they all have earplugs 'cause "he's going in." Just in case nobody at home understood the meaning of that, Derrick adds an obscene gesture. When he closes the bedroom door, Shane mockingly repeats the gesture.
At an apartment complex, Danny and Julien head to their car after unsuccessfully trying to serve a warrant. An older Latina with her hair in curlers flags them down, talking rapidly in Spanish. I took two semesters of it and all I can get out of what she's saying is "music." I guess she's complaining about a loud neighbor, who turns out to be their suspect Ricky Harris. Danny gives the woman her business card and in Spanish tells her to call when Ricky comes home.
In the precinct, the Hispanic guy seen earlier continues to harass Julien from the holding cell. He's not a bad person; he just passed a bad check. The warrant is a mistake because he paid the fine and got a suspended sentence. All Julien has to do is call Tomas's legal aid lawyer. Tomas gets right up to the chainlink of the holding cell, insisting he doesn't belong in here with all these criminals. Danny smacks her nightstick against the fence as a warning to get back.
Upstairs, Greeley is repeating he'd never rape anyone and has never used the services of a prostitute. He doesn't have to because women need him for survival of the species. He explains why men are attracted to large breasts (better for feeding babies) and adds that women respond to his, um, "assets." Claudette saw him naked and wasn't impressed. Greeley tells her penis size is overrated; testicles are "the true seed of male virility." Oh boy, somebody get this guy a seat on Dr. Ruth.
Claudette goes out of the room and gets more background from her partner. Dutch talked to one of Greeley's old girlfriends. Our sperm collecting pal has a temper and an inoperable brain tumor, a lovely combination. None of which explains why he dumps the bodies facedown. Claudette tells Dutch forget about making a name for himself as a serial killer hunter; they have to corroborate Connie's story. "He wants to tell us," Dutch repeats. Everybody's a broken record today.
Outside the apartment where Derrick is stashed, Vic has just gotten a cell phone call. He answers, irritated, asking why Shane couldn't wait. "Listen to this crap," Shane snaps, holding the phone toward the bedroom. Vic is treated to a series of loud sex noises and thinks it's funny. Shane doesn't share in his amusement. Derrick asks Shane to call the captain again. Shane looks like he'll go nuts if he hears that question again. I just might too. According to Shane, the only reason Derrick still has teeth is the money he'll be winning on the game.
As Vic hangs up, he hears a woman scream. This time, it's not in the throes of passion. It's terrified, pleading. Vic's cop instincts kick in and he races toward the sound. In what I swear is the same apartment block from the first Karate Kid, a crying woman is pleading with a man to give her baby Evan back. A neighbor shouts that the baby daddy is a crankhead. Well, that's super not-good. Neighbors all over are standing outside watching, but nobody seems to have the courage to step in.
Vic asks calmly, "Why don't you give me Evan?" Crankhead Daddy shouts that the baby is burning up and needs to be cooled down. Vic lies that he's a doctor. Crankhead Daddy sees through him. Suddenly, Crankhead Daddy jumps over the balcony and into the filthy swimming pool below. Mom, hysterical, runs down the stairs. Vic dives into the water, emerging with Evan, who's scared but still alive. I really hope Vic's tetanus shot is up to date. He hands Evan to his mom. Crankhead Daddy hasn't come up for air yet, so Vic goes back underwater.
At the precinct, Sergeant Nathan praises Vic for saving the baby. Crankhead Daddy is put in a holding cell. I bet Vic is glad he thought of asking his wife for fresh clothes; otherwise he'd be in those wet jeans all day. Connie is still pacing in the clubhouse. Vic gives her a rock of crack that he presumably took off the guy he just arrested. He tells her to blow the smoke out the window. He can't have anybody smelling drugs and getting suspicious.
Derrick and Adriana make out some more before they say goodbye. Shane is glaring at them. "Tell the captain he missed me," says Derrick, hand on the doorknob. Shane asks if one of Derrick's sponsors is Viagra. Lem and Ronnie laugh. Derrick is pissed; he has to go to shoot-around practice at 5:00. Shane tells Derrick that he's not going anywhere and their captain isn't available by phone. Derrick has (finally) figured out that there is no captain. He thinks he gave the guys enough: free autographs and a peep show.
Shane drops the n-bomb. Lem and Ronnie don't look so amused anymore. Derrick grabs Lem's phone to call his lawyer. He threatens that Shane's badge will look good next to his Rookie of the Year trophy. Shane tries to grab the phone, but Derrick won't let go. Ronnie and Lem jump out of their seats to stop the fight.
In the clubhouse, Vic lights up a cigar. Yeah, that'll totally cover up the smell of crack. He exits the room. Edgar-veda tells Vic that Baby Evan will be just fine. However, the captain finds it curious that the baby rescue happened in the same apartment building where Derrick was last seen. Vic shrugs that he lost his wallet during the raid and went back to look for it.
Edgar-veda tells him to put the cigar out. He surmises that the Nets will be hurting without Derrick. Vic explains in graphic terms that Derrick is probably just getting it on with a groupie and lost track of time. Edgar-veda relays this message to Marsha in a much more P.C. statement: "He's probably with a female admirer."
Julien opens the cage. It turns out Curly's warrant really was a mistake. He apologizes for the inconvenience. Curly wants Julien's phone number to "thank" him further.
Meanwhile, Claudette asks Greeley about his sperm collection. "So many people waste it," Greeley sighs. That is disgusting. He explains that his tumor may render him impotent, so he needs to save sperm so he can pass on his "essence." Hasn't this guy ever heard of a sperm bank? Greeley asks Dutch to step out for a minute. Dutch refuses, but Claudette says it's okay.
Edgar-veda advises Danny to apply for a sergeant's position. He'll write her a recommendation if she passes the exam; that way, she'll get a post immediately. He'd like her to be a leader. Danny knows his game: "You mean you'd like to promote a woman." Edgar-veda tells her that it's not how you get there, it's what you do when given the chance. Danny will think about it.
Danny and Julien go back to Ricky Harris's apartment building. She advises him not to get in the habit of doing favors for arrestees. Danny knocks on the door with her nightstick, calling that she has a warrant for Ricky. When she nudges the door open, Ricky is sitting in his living room with a bunch of shady-looking guys who'd be right at home on Sons of Anarchy.
Ricky and friends get belligerent, so Danny calls for backup. One of the guys heads for the couch, the cushions of which are sitting suspiciously high. Danny warns him that she'll blow his brains out if he moves. She orders the men to the floor. Julien checks under the couch cushions and finds a collection of automatic weapons.
Shane is still roughing up Derrick. The basketball player now has a dirty sock shoved in his mouth (probably Shane's). "What good's your 15 mil now, asshole?" Shane taunts. Lem points out that it's only $6 million. Just then, Vic arrives, demanding to know what they're doing. He knocks the sock out of Derrick's mouth. Cue Derrick screaming that he'll have all their badges: "When you can fill 200,000 seats at $200 a pop, then you'll get the cash and the Grade-A tail. Until then, drag your lily-white ass back home to Simi Valley!"
At this, Shane gets so incensed he draws his gun, informing Derrick that he lives in Hollywood. Vic walks Shane into the bedroom. Shane insists that Derrick needs to learn a lesson. "By doing what? Executing him?" Vic asks, incredulous. Shane gives him a meaningful look: "Well, why not? I mean, isn't that what we do now? We killed...a cop." Shane's eyes go wet at the last sentence. Vic repeats the story he gave Internal Affairs: Lem and Ronnie didn't clear the room, which enabled Two-Time to shoot Terry. He tells Shane to never bring up Terry again.
Back in interrogation, Greeley thinks Dutch could learn a lot from Claudette's maternal nature. Claudette is, in fact, the mother of two adult daughters. One is a teacher and the other is a newspaper reporter. Greeley wonders if Claudette ever thought of having more kids. She chuckles that it would have to be soon. First, she needs a man who's compassionate, responsible, and honest. Talk about 3 strikes with one pitch.
Greeley offers to give Claudette a son. She wants to know where he was last night. Greeley admits to picking up Connie. He got angry and cut her because she tried to make him wear a condom. He swears he never used a knife before. Claudette asks how many women there have been. "You'll make 12," he whispers. Greeley is sure his rape victims will forgive him once they're pregnant with his babies. He insists again that he didn't kill any prostitutes or anyone else.
Greeley asks Claudette when they can consummate their relationship. "Oh, that's not gonna happen," says Claudette. He orders Claudette to give him access to her lady parts and tries to grab her skirt. Dutch and Edgar-veda, who've been watching via closed-circuit TV, hurry to the rescue. Claudette has the situation handled via a swift kick to Greeley's crotch. Edgar-veda asks if she's okay. "The bigger they are..." mutters Claudette. Beautiful parting shot!
On their way out of the precinct, Danny tells Dutch about Edgar-veda wanting her to take the sergeant's exam. She's reluctant because she's not a good test taker. She asks if Dutch could be her tutor. Dutch agrees.
Vic pulls up to a corner where a street preacher is probably proclaiming the end of the world. (Again, I can't speak Spanish). Derrick doesn't even know where they are. "Well, that's your problem," shrugs Vic. He asks why Derrick would risk his livelihood to hang out with a bunch of thugs. Derrick says those guys were his friends before he made it big. Vic offers some sound advice: "If they were your boys, pull them up, instead of them letting them drag you down." He tells Derrick he's only a few short subway stops from the Staples Center. As soon as he gets out of Vic's truck, Derrick is mobbed by fans.
Sergeant Nathan goes to Edgar-veda's office to announce he put in his retirement papers. He offers to stay on for 2 more weeks to train his replacement; Sergeant Nathan has a system. Edgar-veda says that won't be necessary. They'll muddle through somehow.
Vic praises Claudette for kicking the pervert's ass. She says they wouldn't have found him if not for Dutch. "But you were the closer," Vic points out.
Julien visits Curly at his apartment and tells him that he isn't gay. Curly wasn't gay either until he admitted it to himself. He strokes Julien's face and invites him in.
Matthew's teacher tells Vic and his wife that she's concerned. Matthew isn't socializing well. Vic says a lot of kids go through a shyness phase and grow out of it. The teacher isn't sure it's that simple. She suggests they take Matthew to a developmental pediatrician or possibly a neurologist.
Vic's drive home is silent except for the radio sports update. The Lakers won the game 101-71, clinching home court advantage in the playoffs: "Derrick Tripp was a no-show after getting stuck in traffic returning from a charity event." Is that what they're calling it now? The announcer finishes with: "Only in L.A." End of episode.